Wow.
Looking back at my last entry, which was written on May 29, life was pretty normal. I mean, I was still cute as the dickens. Ate very well. Played pretty hard. Didn't take many naps but had "quiet resting time," which meant me chilling out and watching a DVD or whatever (actually, not whatever, it would be a movie). I was pretty much the King of My Castle. I would say jump and Mommy and Daddy would ask, "How high?"
And then barely a week after that blissfully unaware blog, the Twinado landed right on top of our lives, and it did a wicked tap dance on our little noggins. Who the heck am I kiddin' with this tap dance stuff? It was a straight up break dance/slam dance/mosh pit/name-some-violent-and-destructive-maneuver.
Anyway, Kara and Owen must've been really eager to get out of Mommy's tummy. The doctors had told the babies that they couldn't come out and play until July 7. They got the "7" right, but they might not have heard "July" right. June-July. July-June. It's pretty close, right? I won't fault them too much for the mix up. They're only babies, right? Next time that happens, though...
But you want to hear something that's funny? Well, Mommy and Daddy had scheduled a Siblings Class at Christ Hospital on... June 7! So here we are, getting ready to go to the class at around 9:30ish a.m., and then all of a sudden I hear Mommy go, "Uh oh," and then a big puddle of water splooshed on the ground. Mommy must have drank too much water or something, because the babies didn't like all that water inside of her and they Karate Kicked it right out of her. So not only did I get to go to a Siblings Class in the morning, I was able to take the Graduate Level Course later on that afternoon!
So yeah, my baby sister Kara Kathryn Jacob was born on June 7 at 12:29 p.m., and she weighed 4 lbs and 11 oz. And then my baby brother Owen Robert Jacob at 12:30 p.m. He weighed 4 lbs and 6 oz. C'mon bro, you gotta catch up to your sister. She's only one minute older than you! That's just 60 seconds!
I didn't get to see them right away, because apparently I am too Awesome for Christ Hospital, and it was going to be this Big Drag of a wait, and I'm a pretty busy guy, you know? Got things to Do, Games to Play, Girls to Swoon. You know, the regular stuff. Luckily I had my Uncle Mike and Aunt Jo pick me up so my Awesomeness can be contained elsewhere.
Since the Twinado arrived a full month early, they weren't allowed to come home and play too soon. I got to visit them in the hospital once and it was really great to see them. I love my baby brother and sister so much! I love to get really up close with them and try to touch them and hug them. I thought Mommy and Daddy had changed Owen and Kara's names to Careful and Gentle, but I know what I'm doing. I'm William David Jacob, and my birthday is on September 16. See? I know lots of things. I can even put on my own clothes (mostly) without getting frustrated at all (Okay, 6 out of 10 times, or something like that).
Life with the Babies has been pretty interesting, to tell you the truth. Kara was able to come home on Sunday, June 15; while Owen needed a little extra help. He had to be taken to Children's Hospital so that all the female nurses can see that Yes, All Jacob Males are Really that Gosh Darn Cute. I mean, right? He didn't come home until Monday, June 30 because they had to call all the nurses and doctors from across the whole state of the World to come see how gosh darn cute Owen is. No one could just take our word for it. Owen's awesomeness has to be seen in person.
Since they've been home, it's just been a constant cycle of eating, pooping, burping, farting, and more eating and pooping. And I'm not talking about the babies (these jokes just write themselves, don't they?). Daddy is taking this "vacation" a little too casually. Actually, both Mommy and Daddy are having a rough summer. Not much sleep is to be had when you have two little human beings that have to feed every three hours, which really means that somebody is eating something roughly every two hours. Daddy has taken over the 2:00 a.m and 3:00 a.m. Owen-Kara feedings. He doesn't know how he drew the short end of the stick. He thinks he probably should've been listening to some conversation at some point, and he missed something somewhere. That's how things usually go in his world.
Of course, Mommy is doing the 11:00 p.m./12 a.m. + 5 a.m./6 a.m. feedings, AND she still gets up around 2 or 3 a.m. anyway because there is somebody inevitably crying, usually Daddy. So now my Mom and Dad have been replaced by Zombie 1 and Better-Lookin' Zombie 2 (that would be Mommy, naturally). Mom-Zombie, or Mombie (trademarked!), has started to smell like the babies more and more every day, which is not a good thing. I told Daddy that she smells like puke, essentially. When milk goes sour, it goes SOUR, you know?
Things have been working out for me pretty decently. I mean, sure the Babies are now the Center of Attention, but I always have to make some sort of Ruckus to let everyone know that I'm still around. These kids can't have ALL of the attention, you know? It would give them a complex or something.
Now, I normally don't do what I'm about to do. I am Mr. I DO IT, and I like to CONTROL EVERYTHING, but there are two new family members, and since Mombie and Dambie are trying to teach me to share, here are entries from Kara and Owen. Now, please do not judge their writing too harshly. Their writing may veer into superfluous digressions, hyperbolic analogies, and faulty logic. Remember, these are only babies.
First Name: Kara
Middle Name: Kathryn (Grandma Nancy's middle name)
Nicknames: Kare Bear, Ms. Fuss Face, Big Dolores
Current Weight: 8 lbs 8 oz
Current Height: 19.5 inches
Hello everyone. I am Kara and it's nice to meet you. Life has been grand so far. I really could not think of a better way to enter this world. I was the first one out of Mommy's tummy, and I was the first one home from the hospital. I outweigh my brother by a full pound, and I am a full inch taller. Yes, I like to be first in everything. I think that is why Daddy has taken to calling me Princess Kara, or the Prima Donna, which is Italian for First Lady. Darn right I'm the First Lady. I don' like to be bothered to do anything, really. If I feel cranky and I need to cry about it? Well, there are at least two capable... one capable adult somewhere in this house. Pick me up already! Sheesh, do I need to send a written invitation? Chop chop, on the double, and so forth. Just do it NOW!
Also, these things called diapers. I do like diapers. They are a part of my ensemble that help keep this Princess Nice and Warm. But sometimes... well, a girl has to let some things "go." I mean, if I kept it in all the time, I might explode and then Sugar and Spice would be everywhere. But if I have to deposit my Sugar and Spice in the diapers... Well, diapers are certainly not meant for that Icky Stuff. I like to wait until one of my Servants comes to change me. And then when I feel that air... My Daddy is quite surprised that a girl can have a Fountain like I do and that it goes everywhere. Well, girls can do anything that a boy can do, Daddy, AND much better.
Sometimes, however, I can't wait for my Servants to change me. Apparently they can't hear my Blood-Curdling Crying, for whatever reason that may be. I mean, one of my nicknames is Ms. Fuss Face because... well, I do fuss a lot. I have to deal with this thing called existence, right? It's tough. I mean, I can go from Not Fuss Face to Fuss Face in Ludicrous Speed, and then back to Not Fuss Face as if nothing ever happened. It's quite amazing, really.
Anyway, when I do make a Deposit in my diaper... Well, Daddy has called my Lady Droppings the Stinkiest Things Ever. And sometimes while I'm being fed, I have to give one of my Servants the benefits of my Lady Aroma, which the Dad-Servant has said are the loudest, smelliest "farts" (Ladies do NOT "fart") of all time. Sometimes when I send forth my Lady Aroma, it is so loud and so... musical and so... moist-sounding, Dad-Servant thinks that I have added my Lady Droppings of Sugar and Spice into my diaper. Heck no! I am just trying to keep these people on their toes!
 |
| Twinkie Time! |
If I have to say what my number one feature is, which is really tough to say since they could all be number one features -- kind of like an All-Star Team of Hall of Famers -- it would have to my Cheeks, which have been mistaken for large Flotation Devices. The more I grow, the fuller my Cheeks get. In fact, at my last doctor's visit, I was told that I do not need any more Formula Fortifier because my weight is coming along quite nicely, thank you very much.
Well, I think I will go back to taking my nap, since I need 23.5 hours of Beauty Sleep to keep up my Cheekiness. Without further adieu, here is my much younger brother.
Name: Owen
Middle Name: Robert (after his Papi)
Nicknames: Owie, Little Peanut, Little Lumper
Current Weight: 7 lbs 6 oz
Current Height: 18.5 inches
Hey guys and gals! It's nice to meet everyone! You know, life for me has had its many Ups and Downs so far. It's only been about six weeks and it feels like I've lived six lifetimes. Unlike my Bratty "Older" (whatever about that "older" business) Sister, I've had a few more issues to deal with, and not one of those have to deal with Enormous Cheeks or being the Queen Bee. My cheeks are definitely not so enormous. I think she stole all the cheeks while we were in the womb together, because I've got hardly any at all. In fact, I distinctly remember being squished throughout the whole Being in My Mommy's Tummy Process. You see, I have a few things that the doctors said I need to have fixed. And that's fine with me. Nobody is perfect, right?
So here are a few things that Mommy and Daddy are going to have to deal with:
1) Small Jaw: My bottom jaw is not as big as it should be. The doctors said it's most likely a "prematurity" issue, but I think my Bratty Sister's Abnormally Enormous Cheeks were jutting right into my face. Sheesh. So yeah, the Small Jaw was/is kind of an issue. If you didn't know, the jaw helps you breath AND eat, which are pretty gosh darn important aspects of sustaining life, right? I had some trouble eating the first two or three weeks in this world. You know what? Eating can be tough, okay? Not everyone is Miss Piggy Eats Her Entire Bottle Like It's No Tomorrow (a.k.a. MS. KARA). I needed some help. I had to learn how to Suck, Breathe, and Swallow. Daddy told me that he has coordination issues, too, which is why he ran Cross Country in high school. That's cool, Dad. That's cool. No judgement here. Anyway, I had to have help eating with this thing called an NG Tube for a while, but I soon graduated from it, and I am now doing AWESOME with my eating, if I do say so myself. Papi and Daddy were commenting on how I was struggling to finished a 35 ml bottle (just over an ounce) within 30 minutes, and now on a good feed I can suck down an 80 ml bottle (2.7 oz) in 10 minutes! Now, that was a record time, and it usually takes me around 20-30 minutes on average to finish a bottle. Still! I AM doing awesome.
2) Oxygen: This is really a continuation of the Small Jaw, which is all connected with the Eating and Breathing Thing (as mentioned before: essential things in life). So while I was at Children's Hospital, I had this thing called a Sleep Study, and they found out that I have Sleep Apnia. And since I slept a lot (and still do, but I am more Alert than my sister, Big Dolores), that was kind of an issue. You see, your body needs oxygen, even when you sleep, and Apnia is when your body doesn't breathe as much as it should while you're sleeping. Daddy and I are so alike, because he has something similar called Sleep Hypopnia, which is about the same except not as bad as Apnia. Anyway, just like Daddy has to do at night, I have to Be On Oxygen, but unlike Daddy, I have be on it just about 24/7, minus Bath-Time and Taking-me-Up-and-Downstairs-Time. Frankly, no one in our Family Likes it. I have this Nose Straw (a "cannula") in my nose that is hooked up to an Oxygen Tank. I want to pull that darn Nose Straw out about half the darn time, but Mommy and Daddy say no. It is annoying, and it's especially annoying for Mommy and Daddy to have to travel with my oxygen. Because they have to carry my Car Seat with me in it + My Small Oxygen Tank + My Monitor.
3) My Stupid Monitor that Cries Wolf: So yeah, another thing I have is a Heart and Oxygen Monitor. It's this little box that has a cord that is connected to my foot. And for the entire time that we've had this darn thing, every time it has ever Sounded the Alarm, it has been a False Alarm. Whenever I kick my feet, which I like to do whenever I'm woken up from my sleep, it likes to go off. Sometimes the Monitor goes off because it just wants to go off. It doesn't like our family for whatever reason (which is weird, because these guys, Minus Ms. Fuss Face, are pretty cool). Since I have grown stronger, or maybe because Mommy and Daddy are becoming Zombies, we are now retiring the Monitor to being used just at night. They are around me just about the rest of the time, and I've been doing pretty darn good for them over the last six weeks.
 |
| Quit Eating My Brain, Kara! |
4) Can You Hear Me Now?: Well, one of the darnedest things that I will have to deal with is my ears. The inner workings of my ears are all there (from what they can tell). So I CAN hear, but... well, on one ear, I don't have a hole there, no ear canal. The other ear, there is an obstructed hole. Eventually (before kindergarten, but hopefully sooner than that) they should be able to fix that with a surgery. I am going to have to go back pretty soon to the Audiologist for further testing, and eventually I will need a Hearing Aid. But that's okay. I have survived about 1,001 Challenges so far. What's 1,002?
NOW BACK TO WILLIAM DAVID JACOB BECAUSE THIS IS MY BLOG.
So, what do you think folks? Aren't Ms. Kara and Owie awesome? I love my little brother and sister. Sometimes I love too much, but that's not really a thing, is it?
Well, I think things are just going to get Interesting-er and Interesting-er. And probably Curious-er, too. Who knows? It's been a wild ride. And you know what's coming up? Vacation with Mimi and Papi! They are taking me to Monticello, IN with the rest of their family! It's going to be so much fun! Mommy and Daddy and Kara and Owen won't be able to come because they are LOSERS! Ha ha! Just kidding. Mommy and Daddy have to be this thing called "Responsible." Oh well, that is their loss!
Talk to everyone later!
-WDJ
